How to respond to the stubbornness of a child 1-3 years
To 13 months, many parents begin to feel the stubbornness of children and to engage them in conflict, because the kids loudly declare your desires. This is the age of surprises for parents. But for children it is natural at this age to Express their desires, their opinions, develop a sense of his power and the feeling of influence on the world. For them it is now the main task.
A feature of this age is the word “no”, but it turns out that we teach this to their children. Neuroscientist Alan shore said that the baby hears the word “no” or its equivalent on average every nine minutes. Kids want to assert their will, and for them it is quite natural goal, but every time they hear: “No, you cannot play the pot on the couch, give it to me. Don’t run, sit in the car now. No, candy is not. No, it may break. Don’t fight!” Legitimate bans, every one of them. But the kid does not see the grounds for them, so most children resent, rebel and check every ban. This new feature is belligerent stubbornness — the first step to taking responsibility for yourself. Now if he’s not allowed to tell you “no”, then he will not be able to say “no” to their peers when they become a teenager. Give him a chance to say “no” if it does not threaten the safety, health and rights of another person.
You can always take advantage of me as older and stronger, and sometimes it’s necessary, but every time you “overpower” and make the baby “loser”, then increase his inclination to resist. Not to indulge in lengthy explanations. Instead, look at yourself as the conductor in this world for a wonderful, joyful creatures, which is still not very aware of local rules and until he learned to talk the way you do. If you will remember that his brain is not yet fully formed, the processes in the cortex are not able to control emotions, you will be much easier to understand the point of view of the child. Sympathy magically helps to comfort even in this age: “are You crying, do you really want to get it, but the kids that out.” Another few minutes he would cry harder (as we all do when we understand, and we open the floodgates), but then he will feel able to accept it and move on.
So what kind of education is suitable for your kid? Establishing boundaries with empathy !
Let us understand this with an example:
Two-Alenka bath water splashes on the floor. The father calmly explains to her that the water should be in the tub and asks her to stop. But Alena is stubborn and insists. What should I do father?
To begin with, to understand whether our expectations to the child’s age and level of development. Few two-year-old children can resist the temptation to splash water from the tub. If the child has a good relationship with his parents, but he still doesn’t want to meet their requests, then his desires are stronger than the ability of control emerging in the frontal cortex (which to two years still only beginning to emerge).
The responsibility of two-year old — explore the world, which means, among other things, and spreading water at every opportunity. And it is your responsibility to monitor the safety of the baby, wipe the floor and — Yes — to allow the child to explore the world, if it is safe and does not create great difficulties for others (as we sometimes can see, not very good parents in this place start to resent).
If you start with the assumption that your kid is not bad, just he explores the world and doesn’t understand why his dad so worried due to the small puddle on the floor then you got to see things from the point of view of the child. Such empathy changes everything. You can even wish to get it splashed water all around the tub, at least today. But perhaps you are tired, you have a lot of Laundry and you are just not happy with the idea to wash the floor in the bathroom, so you decide to limit splashing.
In this case, the dad asks the doctors to stop spray, but she can’t do it. Then let’s redirect this “Bryzgalin” energy. Friendly look the child in the face, not holding his hand, and say, “Allen, let’s keep the water in the tub. can you spray gently, like this.” Stir the water by hand along with it. Maybe she will start to stir the water. Or maybe not, and then you should have a couple of times quietly but firmly warn her, and then to get out of the bath. If you do too many warnings, the child will learn that the first three or four don’t need to pay attention. Instead, peacefully say, “please Stop, splashing water, or maybe you want out of the bath?”
Then to show compassion by setting this boundary. Gently remove it from the bath, feeling her indignation: “You are angry! You don’t want to. Do you like to swim. You love to splash. But today I can’t resolve, I’m too tired. Tomorrow night we will again swim. And now, because today is warm, you can go outside and splash in the pool as much as you want” (this will satisfy the natural desire of the child to spray water).
“But today I can no longer afford to splash. I know it makes you sad, and you’re angry. You’re crying. Come here, sweetheart, let me envelop you in a soft towel and give me a hug. When you’re ready, I can dress you up and read you a book.”
Because you limit the child calmly and kindly, he doesn’t need to be stubborn and prove that he was right. Daughter may be angry that she got out of the bath, but if you were angry about it, she was upset would be much stronger. In fact, she feels that her love, and that you understand her side, even if you do not allow her to do what she wants. Your relationship has not deteriorated, but rather deepened.
Because you don’t blame her, she does not that she is bad and doesn’t blame herself no spatter, no, I was mad that she got out of the bath. This is very important, because if a person feels bad, he will behave as bad.
Because you didn’t take it personally, but rather understood her sadness due to the fact that you want to relax instead of cleaning the floor, the child got a signal that there is nothing bad or frightening her feelings. It’s just a disappointment, and grief after you can relax and read a book. That is, you support the daughter in the development of emotional intelligence. Since you reassured her daughter, her neural pathways of the brain that produces calming hormones, has increased, and, accordingly, has strengthened its ability to complacency.
Because you restrict it, your baby has learned that there are consequences for her actions. When she squirts too and does not pay attention to requests to stop, she would have to take a bath. But this consequence was not a punishment, “adopted by the measure of” how often do parents. And the child is free to draw a conclusion, and are not offended by the punishment. In fact, she even feels freer and stronger because she has a choice. Of course, she never learned to cope with the desire to splash, but now she WANTS to learn it, instead of fighting with you, proving that she has the right to want to splash, or checking the strength of your boundaries. Its energy is directed in a good direction.